Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont vs Canon
by Cookie VanDeKamp
Summary: Second entry in the MSEA Files. The sequel to "Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way vs Canon." There's a new Sue in town; Sapphire, an annoyingly smart, annoyingly pure, annoyingly modest, annoyingly pretty, annoyingly sweet, annoyingly desirable girl. You can panic now.
1. Prologue

**A/N: This story is a direct sequel to **_**Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way vs Canon**_**, so I advise you read that first unless you want to be confused as all hell.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

Hermione buried her head under her arms.

"Kill me now."

"Look," said Harry, "don't panic just yet. Maybe this won't be so bad."

"Yeah," Ginny agreed, "I mean, we survived dealing _Tara Gilesbe_ of all people. And we put up with Ebony for a while, and we all survived."

"Just barely," Ron muttered.

"The point is… try not to panic."

The girl walked up to the table and began to speak. Her voice was more musical than the most beautiful flute, more calming than the wind on a hot summer's day, sexier than—

The horrible description was interrupted by the girl—Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont—saying, "Wow! You're Harry Potter!"

"Um… yeah, I guess," Harry said.

"I know all about you! You defeated the Dark Lord and killed Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way!"

"Yeah—wait. How'd you know about Ebony?" He frowned. "That barely happened two weeks ago, and no one outside of Hogwarts even knew that Ebony existed."

"Lucky them," Draco muttered.

Sapphire laughed. "You silly. Why wouldn't I know?"

"He just told you," Ginny replied.

"Like I said, I know all about him." She turned, walking away, and looked back. "I can't wait to hang out some more!"

They watched her go, as she bumped into a first-year Hufflepuff (_not_ badly) and said, holding back sobs, "I'm so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, so, _so_ sorry! Can you forgive me?"

"The hell?" Ginny said. 

"I don't think a little bump warrants 62 uses of the word 'so,'" said Luna.

The first year looked confused, too. "It's okay." He blinked and added, blushing. "You're really pretty."

Sapphire sighed and said, "No I'm not. Look at me! Look at this long, luxurious, never-gets-tangled-ever golden hair, symbolizing my purity! I'm—I'm a hag!"

Never before have so many eyes rolled at once.

Harry glanced at his friends. "You can panic now."


	2. Chapter 1

Sapphire was at lunch later that day. She had (for some, unexplained reason) changed her outfit. Her long golden hair was up in a loopy bun, and she had added a long pink streak. Her phoenix was perched on her shoulder as usual. Unlike Ebory, who had worn ripped jeans, miniskirts, tube tops, and band tee-shirts, all-in-all looking like a whore, Sapphire never revealed too much skin. She instead wore a long peasant skirt, made out of an amethyst purple fabric. The hem sparkled with the light pink glitter that caught the light. Her blouse had her initials sewn onto the pocket. Just in case you forgot who she was or something. Her dark blue eyes were complimented by the light blue eyeliner, and her long, thick eyelashes were enhanced by her mascara.

Hermione, Ron, and Harry sat with her at the Gryffindor table, listening to her.

"I'm so happy to have finally made it to Hogwarts!" she said, daintily sipping on her organic pomegranate tea.

"What kept you?" asked Lavender.

"My abusive adoptive father kept me locked under the stairs and beat me daily," she said cheerfully. In spite of her tragic past, which would crush the soul of any normal seventeen year old girl, Sapphire remained cheerful. Alas, Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont was not a normal seventeen year old girl.

"Has no one ever heard of social services?" Hermione muttered.

"He thought that magic was unholy," she continued, "so when I saw into the future for the first time when I was three—"

"Bitch," Pavarti grumbled under her breath.

"—he began to abuse and rape me."

"You seem pretty mentally stable for someone who had to go through all that," Harry said, frowning. What was with this girl's perpetual good mood?

"There's no point in dwelling on the past," she said wisely. She sighed and said, "Well, I'm going to go write to Sirius Black. He is my half-brother after all."

"…really?" said Ron.

"Of course. He, Severus, and Neville are all my half-brothers. I'm so blessed to have such a wonderful family!"

She flounced away.

Ron was the first to speak.

"I liked Ebony better."

* * *

><p>"Good morning, Ginevera!"<p>

Ginny looked up from her breakfast, trying not to groan when she saw the Sue smiling at her.

"Morning, Sapph—weren't your eyes blue yesterday?"

"They change color every day."

"…oooookayyyyyy."

"I wish my eyes were normal," she said, her heart aching.

_I shouldn't have said anything_, Ginny thought to herself.

"Why must I be so different?" Sapphire lamented. "Why can't my eyes remain one color, like every other girl I know? It makes me stand out so much!"

"Tragic," Ginny droned.

"Maybe my adoptive father was right. Maybe I _am_ evil." She gasped, a hand flying to her heart. "Oh! Maybe my ability to See into the future and my changing eyes are a sign I am the antichrist. Oh, whatever shall I do?"

"Antichrist is a bit much…"

"Oh, Ginevra. Please, hold me…"

Ginny awkwardly patted Sapphire's head. "Um… there, there?"

"You always say the right thing."

Luna walked by. "Ginny," she said, "why is Sapphire sobbing into your sweater?"

"Don't ask."

* * *

><p>"Hey, Ginny?" Harry whispered.<p>

"Yes?"

They were in the library, studying for the exams that were coming up. Sapphire was a table away, talking Terry Boot's ear off about how she was Minerva's granddaughter and Dumbledore's cousin and Draco's sister and Snape's daughter.

"Why are Sapphire's eyes green?"

"For some reason, they change every day. Be grateful you didn't ask _her_ about it…"

* * *

><p><strong>AN: That first paragraph was actually a bit painful to do. Writing a Sue ain't easy.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	3. Chapter 2

Most students, unaware of the fact that every time a Mary Sue dies, a new one is born in its place, went from actively trying to befriend Sapphire to avoiding her like the plague. This caused her great distress. Why was it that every time she sat down at a library table to study and chat with her fellow students, they'd immediately have to leave?

And why did they all have to iron their dogs, anyway?

They couldn't get away from her in class, though, so Harry was forced to listen to her angst about her tragic past in Charms while Flitwick was out of the room. Her eyes were a sparkling cinnamon brown today, which complimented her brown, earthy-looking jewelry. Three bracelets clunked together on her left wrist and a beaded necklace was around her neck. Her uniform skirt was decorated with a light purple scarf, wrapped around her waist. Her perfume smelled of mulberries and strawberries.

Harry sighed, resting his chin on his hand and trying to ignore Sapphire.

"I always had a fascination with charms," she said, not noticing Harry using toothpicks to hold his eyes open, "but my stepfather forbade me from practicing magic."

"Mmm," said Harry. He knew that he should probably feel a bit sorrier for her, but she was so obnoxious that he couldn't.

"I was forced to perform it in secret, you see, out in the alley behind the house. Ugh, it was disgusting, full of rats and flies…"

"We should get started on the paper," Harry said, pulling evasive action. Pulling further evasive action, he took the paper and read, "'You and your partner must write three paragraphs on the invention of the Cheering Charm, and explain how it is used today.' That should be easy enough, my book's right here…"

"That won't be necessary," said Sapphire. "I already know this stuff."

"…how? Did you read your course books ahead of time like Hermione did?"

"No."

"Then how can you know something we haven't even covered in class yet?"

"I just do."

Harry sighed, deciding it'd be best not to question how she 'just did.' She might actually tell him.

* * *

><p>"'I just do'?" Hermione quoted, when Harry told his friends about Sapphire later that day. "How can she 'just' know things?"<p>

Harry shrugged. "No idea. She's the Mary Sue meant to replace Enoby, no doubt about it, but I think she might be a different type of Sue."

"The book I found Mary Sues in didn't mention different types, but that doesn't mean that there aren't any…"

"The book you'd want is probably in the restricted section," said Ron, "what with different universes being involved and all."

"Yeah, McGonagall wouldn't want students getting ideas," Ginny agreed.

"I bet Harry could get Slughorn to sign a permission slip," Hermione said, tapping her chin.

Ron nodded. "Yeah, Slughorn will do anything Harry asks."

"But we can't get a form signed without even knowing what book we want," Harry said. "Even Slughorn wouldn't let us do that."

"We can take the Cloak tonight," Ron suggested. "As long as Filch doesn't hear us, we can browse in peace."

They all nodded, and agreed to meet in the Common Room after everyone else had gone to bed.

* * *

><p>"Careful, I think Peeves might be nearby…"<p>

"Quiet! What was that?"

"What?"

"I heard something…"

"It's just the wind, Ronald."

"Hasn't six years here taught you anything, Ginny? _It is never just the wind_!"

"Both of you shut up, right now!"

"Ow! Hermione, that was my foot—"

"Sorry."

The four teens had crammed themselves under the Invisibility Cloak. Unfortunately, the Cloak was only really made for one person, so they had to shuffle rather than walk, and their backs ached from hunching down. After what seemed like an eternity, they reached the library.

"_Alohomora_!" Hermione whispered, tapping the lock with her wand. The door creaked open. After taking one last glance around, the group dashed into the library, lighting up the lantern they'd brought with them.

Pulling the Cloak off, Ginny whispered, "Where should we start?" as they headed towards the restricted section.

Harry stepped over the red rope and said, "Mary Sues are beings, right?"

Hermione nodded. "That's what the book said."

As they were browsing, occasionally opening up and looking through some of the more interesting titles, when they heard someone say, "Oh, hello!"

_Dear Lord,_ Ginny thought, _please, please, please, _please_ don't let this be Sapphire! I'm very sorry I fell asleep in church a few months ago and it won't happen again. I'll even be nice to Percy if—_

"Hello, Sapphire," Harry said through gritted teeth.

_Crap._

"I couldn't fall asleep," Sapphire said breezily, "so I wandered around. I thought I heard someone in here. Whatcha doin'?"

"Actually," Ron said quickly, "we were just leaving. We, uh…"

"We have to floss our rabbits," said Hermione, grabbing her friends and hustling them out.

* * *

><p><strong>I ran Sapphire through a Mary Sue Litmus Test. She got <strong>_**113**_** points. I don't know whether to be worried about or proud of this fact.**

**Also, be sure to leave ideas in your review. Tell me all the Mary Sue clichés you can think of, and I'll try to work them in.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	4. Chapter 3

They hurried back up to the Gryffindor common room, forgetting to be quiet. Sues have a tendency to make people forget all about common sense. Once they finally got back to Gryffindor Tower, they yanked off the Cloak and leaned against the wall, panting.

"That was close," said Ron, wiping sweat off his forehead.

"Too close," agreed Hermione.

"How are we supposed to do any research in peace when there's always a chance that she might pop up?" Ginny complained.

"If we could just get her out of the castle for a little bit," said Hermione, "we might have a chance."

* * *

><p>The Gryffindors and the Slytherins had potions together the next afternoon, and Slughorn mixed the houses together when they had to pair up to make a Knock-Out Potion. Draco was, much to his dismay, paired with Sapphire. Harry actually felt a bit bad for him.<p>

"I don't see why this potion is still being made," said Sapphire as she chopped up the nightshade. "It doesn't work."

Draco knew that he shouldn't say anything, but he couldn't help himself.

"What do you mean? One of the students last year got force-fed some, and he was out for weeks."

"You mean it works on other people?"

He nodded. "Um. Yeah."

She sighed. "I guess I must just be immune to it."

"…immune."

"Mmmhmm."

There was a pause as he tried (and failed) t0 comprehend that. "_How_?"

"On the way to Hogwarts, I was kidnapped!" she said, wincing in anguished pain as she remembered. Her now-brown eyes filled with limpid tears. One of them fell onto her bracelet, made of sparkling diamonds. The bracelet shone almost as brightly as her eyes as she glanced out the window, thinking of her ever so tragic past. Oh, how she wished to be a normal girl with less perfect hair and a less sweet personality and a less interesting backstory! It was a curse to be so beautiful and sweet and interesting! "It was horrible!"

_Here we go…_ he thought.

"On the way to the train station, some strange men asked me for directions to a store I'd never heard of," she said, stroking a golden curl, "and when I told them I didn't know, they grabbed me and dragged me into their car."

"Yes. I'm sure it must've been very traumatizing for you. Now, if we just combine the nightshade with unicorn spit—"

He was cut off by Sapphire continuing her tragic tale.

"They locked me in the cupboard under their stairs—"

"Creative."

"—and kept me there for five years."

"How old were you then?"

"Sixteen."

"…but you're 16 now! You'd either have to be 11 then, or you're 21!"

"That's when I broke out and stole a time turner from the Ministry—"

Draco groaned, but she didn't seem to notice.

"—and then I went back in time to the same day I'd been kidnapped and cast a spell on myself to make myself 16 again."

"Fascinating. I wasn't aware there was such a spell."

"An old wizard who lived near my abusive father created it. He was the only ray of sunshine in my dark past—"

He facepalmed, cursing himself for saying anything.

"And then the old wizard died…"

"Of course he did. Can we make the potion now?" He decided not to ask what exactly that story had to do with the potion.

* * *

><p>Draco saw Hermione, Luna, Ginny, Harry, and Ron in the corridor after dinner. He immediately grabbed them and dragged them into an empty classroom.<p>

"We have to do something about Sapphire."

"Well, duh," Ginny said, rolling her eyes.

"Seriously, how much angsting can one person do?"

"And how tragic of a past can someone have?" Harry muttered.

Luna sighed, sitting down on a desk and resting her chin in her hands. "She seems to have an ability to be anywhere you don't want her to be, like Natys."

"What's a N—?" Ron stopped himself from asking just in time.

"We need to form a plan," said Hermione. "Some way to get her out of the castle long enough for us to do our research."

* * *

><p>They walked down the library the next day, Saturday, determined to find something on Mary Sues. Just as they had predicted, Sapphire wasn't far behind.<p>

"Hi, guys! Where are you going, can I come?"

"Oh, look," Ron droned, pointing outside the window, "a mermaid is in the lake."

"Where?"

And with that, the Sue ran outside to see the mermaid.

* * *

><p><strong>I spent my Valentine's Day writing this fanfic, listening to <strong>_**My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic**_** songs, and at school. What a life.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	5. Chapter 4

With Sapphire temporarily distracted, Draco, Harry, Hermione, Ron, Ginny, and Luna slipped into the library. Trying to act nonchalant and not look conspicuous, they walked past Madame Pince's desk. "Act natural," Ginny breathed into Harry's ear.

As they shuffled semi-guiltily towards the Restricted Section, she hissed, "Acting natural means actually _breathing_, Harry."

"Oh, right, sorry."

They took one last glance around, and then they were standing outside the red ropes, separating the Restricted Section from the rest of the library.

"We should probably look one at a time for about five minutes at a time," said Ron. "We'll attract less attention that way."

"Grab any books you think might be helpful," said Hermione. "I'll go first."

Within an hour, they had over twenty books on the table where they'd dumped their crap, and they were all leafing through any books that they could find. Draco sighed as he flipped through _Advanced Studies of Magical Beings_ by Cicerio O'Neil, Order of Merlin; Third Class. He said, "Nothing in the index under Mary Sues. Any luck with anything else?"

"No," Luna sighed, shaking her head.

"Nope," said Ginny.

Harry closed his own book and said, "Nothing. This is even harder than dealing with Ebony."

Ron grimaced. "Amen to _that_."

Suddenly, Ginny facepalmed as she thought of something.

"Man, we are so stupid."

* * *

><p>"Is this our modus operandi now?" asked Hermione as she and her friends (and Draco) climbed into the room. "When in doubt, go to the Room of Requirement."<p>

"Yeah, pretty much," said Harry. "The author's getting lazy."

Suddenly, a storm cloud zoomed in through the window and started raining on Harry. Once he was thoroughly drenched, it left.

"Well, that was weird," said Ron, sounding nonchalant. "Anyway, what books are in here?"

"_The Mary Sue Project_," Luna said, reading some of the titles off of the bookshelf, "_Jerk, Purity, Anti, God Mode, and Classic: the Five Breeds of Sue_, _Perfection Embodied_… I never knew there were so many books about Mary Sues."

"If the whole 'Sue dies, new one shows up' thing is true, this can't be the first time it happened," said Ginny.

"It's a big world, so this is probably just the first time one has shown up at Hogwarts in a while," nodded Hermione.

"You know," said Ron, cracking open a book, "I've been thinking. Do you suppose this could be Tara and Jenny again?"

"I don't think so," said Harry, shaking his head. "Tara didn't seem smart enough to create anything but Elony clones, and Jenny didn't seem that bad. But I guess it's possible."

"Anything is possible," Luna said.

Hermione had already loaded up on books, overflowing and falling out of her arms. She sat down in one of the comfortable, squishy arm chairs and opened the first book (_Purity Sues: a Field Guide_).

* * *

><p>A light snow was falling. No one was outside in the below zero conditions.<p>

The cold didn't seem to bother October Maynard as she sat at her desk in the MSEA (Mary Sue Exterminating Association) Headquarters. It had been a slow day. She hadn't had a mission for almost a month, when she had to exterminate a Jerk Sue in the _My Little Pony: Friendship is Magic_ world known as Beauty Dawns. Celestia and Luna had thanked her and even gave her a ride home. Her friend Hudson was out exterminating a Mary Sue Classic in the Doctor Who universe. For the most part, all October had to do at the moment was keep an eye on the large monitor that sat at the front of the room.

The monitor lit up and started beeping.

October looked up, and said, "Monroe, what's the alert say?"

Gigi Monroe swung her legs off her own desk and started typing frantically. "New Sue—hang on… wait, the picture's coming through."

The monitor blinked, and then a picture of a teenage girl popped up on the screen. She had long gold hair that fell down around her shoulders like a waterfall. Her deep violet eyes were purer than holy water, and were like windows into her gentle, timid soul. Her skin was paler than snow, her fingernails cleaner than—

"All right, all right!" Aphrodite Adams shouted to the narrator. "Enough with the descriptions! You're making us all sick!"

"Thank you, Adams," said October. "Monroe, any information on this new one yet?"

"Hang on… I'm looking…" The young woman continued to type frantically, her brown eyes lit up with a determined gleam. "A name's coming through… 'Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont.' Age: 16."

"What 'verse is she from?"

"I hate to tell you this, but she's from the Potterverse."

"…no."

"Afraid so." Gigi leaned back in her chair and massaged her forehead. Pottersues tended to be the hardest to exterminate, since most of them were witches.

"How many people d'you think we'll need for the extermination mission?" asked Aphrodite.

"Let me look up her abilities," said Gigi, typing in a few more codes. "Oh God. It's a hybrid. She's a cross between Purity Sue, God Mode Sue, and Mary Sue Classic."

October put her head on her desk. "This is gonna suck."

"From the looks of things, we'll need at a team of at least 4 to exterminate her."

"Got it." October was suddenly all business. "Adams, you and I need to find two more people who are off-duty. They need to be at least in Class 5. Monroe, you dig up any info you can about this Sapphire chick. See if you can track down the author."

"On it, boss."

October Maynard and Aphrodite Adams headed to the elevator to go down to the training hall. Two Class 5-level exterminators wouldn't be easy to find. Most exterminators were Class 3 or 4. But desperate times called for desperate measures.

October pulled on her sunglasses and said, "All right, Sue. We're going to war."

YYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAHHHHHH!


	6. Chapter 5

"Adams!" October barked, reading from her clipboard.

"Ready!" Aphrodite replied, stepping into the transporter in front of her. Her slender and lithe figure was weighed down by the heavy utility belts she was wearing, carrying magical weapons of every kind. Although she wasn't one for physical violence, Aphrodite was a Class 7 magic-user.

"Freeman!"

"Ready!" Brandon stepped into his own transporter, zipping up the pockets of his backpack, which was overflowing with potions.

"Duncan!"

"Ready!" Charlotte "Charlie" Duncan slung her sword in its case over her left shoulder and her machine gun over her right.

"All right. Monroe, beam us out," said October, stepping into the fourth transporter and pulling her goggles over her eyes.

Gigi nodded. "On it, boss." She typed in a few codes and turned to one of the interns, Missy Shadows. "Missy, start up the generator."

"Yes ma'am," said the tall, gangly high school student. She hurried over to control board and pulled a lever. "The generator is starting."

Gigi hopped up and joined Missy. "When I say so, I want you to pull out the green knob as fast as you can, and don't let go until I say you can."

"Yes, ma'am."

Gigi turned to the transporters. "Strap yourselves in. I'll try to have you beam up in the Room of Requirement or somewhere else out of the way."

She typed punched in a code as the transporters began to glow.

_UNIVERSE: HARRY_POTTER_

_ LOCATION: HOGWARTS_CASTLE_1999_

_ [[roomofrequirement]]_

"Shadows, pull the knob!"

Missy pulled out the knob, and the figures standing in the transporters began to glow electric blue. Light seeped out of the glass pods. Gigi held up a hand to shield her eyes.

"Let go in 3… 2…"

* * *

><p>It's not every day you're sitting around, reading a book that gives you tips on how to kill your classmate, when all of a sudden four young adults appear out of thin air and crash on the floor in front of you. Personally, I would have no idea how to respond if that happened to me. Neither did Ron, for that matter.<p>

He and the others were still in the Room of Requirement when shouting broke the silence.

"AGGGHHH!" The voice was girlish and was a high pitched shriek.

"CRASH LANDING! SHIELD YOUR HEADS!" said another voice, this one sounding calm, and controlled.

"I JUST WANTED TO KILL SOMETHING; I DIDN'T SIGN ON FOR THIS!" shouted a third voice.

"SHUT UP, CHARLIE!" This voice, unlike the others, sounded like it belonged to a male.

There was a flash of white light, and four people came crashing down, landing right in front of the group—and the young man of the group landed right on top of poor Ron.

"Ouch," said the girl with the higher voice, as she sat up and rubbed her head. "I can never quite get used to that."

Another girl rolled over, pulling her goggles off her silver eyes. "Me neither. Everyone okay? You, Freeman?"

The man rolled off of Ron, still not seeming to notice that he was there, still not seeming to notice the six teens staring at them, open-mouthed. He said, "Yeah, whatever I landed on cushioned the fall."

A young woman with tousled blonde hair rolled off of her stomach and retrieved a dagger that had spilled out of her bag. She looked at her surroundings and then turned to the silver-eyed woman. "Ah, boss? We're not alone."

"Oh, shit," she said, suddenly noticing the presence of Harry and co. for the first time. "Shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, shit, _shit_!"

"Very eloquent, boss," said the male, smirking slightly.

"Shut it, Brandon," she said, forgetting that she was being professional and addressing people by their last names.

"Would someone care to explain what the bloody hell is going on?" asked Ginny, recovering from the initial shock.

The brunette woman smiled and stuck out a hand for Ginny to shake. "Hi. I'm Charlie Duncan, Class 5 exterminator and Class 9 fighter of the Mary Sue Extermination Association."

"…Mary Sue Extermination Association?" said Harry.

"It's a very elite job, hard to get into. You have to train for two years before you can exterminate any Sues. I've been part of the MSEA since I was 22."

"Way to keep your trap shut, Duncan!" With a sigh, the silver eyed woman said, "I'm October. I'm a Class 8 exterminator for the MSEA. The smartass over there is Brandon and the chick with the overloaded utility belt is Aphrodite."

"Hey, these are _all_ necessary!" Aphrodite snapped.

Harry cleared his throat and began to make the obligatory introductions. "I'm—"

"Harry Potter, we know," Brandon said, cutting him off. "We've read the books." He smiled then. "I own signed copies of all of them."

"Oh!" said Hermione, connecting the dots. "You're from one of the other universes."

"Wait," said Ron. "If you guys exterminate Sues, where were you when we had to deal with Enoby?"

"Hey, don't get mad at us," Charlie said, holding up her hands defensively. "Countless universes, thirty exterminators. Add in time off, sick days, and missions that need more than one exterminator, and, well… We can't be everywhere at once."

"Fair enough," he sighed. "So, I assume you're here to get rid of Sapphire for us?"

"Hell yeah."

"Duncan!" October snapped. "No swearing on the job."

"I only said 'hell.'"

"Duncan!"

"Sorry, boss."

"If you want to exterminate Sapphire, that's a load off our backs," said Draco, closing his book. "I bet I know where we can find her."

"Lead the way," said Aphrodite.


	7. Chapter 6

**I would just like to state for the record that I didn't know that "Charlie Duncan" was the name of a TV character, nor did I know that "Gigi Monroe" was the name of a female impersonator, or that "Brandon Freeman" was the name of an actor.**

**Okay? Okay.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**

* * *

><p>"Okay," Harry whispered, "try to move quietly."<p>

"Right," said October. "Never startle a Sue in her natural habitat."

Harry and co. and the MSEA creeping against the wall, earning a few weird looks from passing students. Charlie's machine gun _did_ sort of stand out. Harry peeked around the corner, where Sapphire was leaning against the wall, reading a book called _Mutating the Ninth Dimension_. Her deep orbs were a pale green, like the color of spring leaves. Her hair was twisted into a bun, pieces already falling out of place. Her sky blue cardigan was blowing in the nonexistent wind, as the corners of her mouth turned up into an innocent smile. Her skin was shining from her shower as she—

At this point, Aphrodite used her Duststick on the narrator and caused her to crumble into, well, dust, so we had to get a new one.

Brandon opened his book _All You Ever Wanted to Know About Killing Someone (But Were Too Afraid to Ask)_, and read over the bit about distracting them.

"Oh, Sapphire," he said innocently, stepping into her view. "What is your favorite color?"

"Oh, my, there are so many wonderful colors, person I've never spoken to in my entire life," she said, closing her book as a wistful look glazed over her face. "I mean, yellow is so bright and cheerful, but green represents life and even though my life has been horribly and needlessly depressing for no other reason than to make me more sympathetic, I just love life, don't you? And oh, brown, look at the brown on the bark of the Whomping Willow, for instance, I mean, it's not even in season and—"

"Boss?" whispered Charlie.

"Yeah?" October hissed back.

"Can we kill 'er now?"

"Please?" Aphrodite added.

"I'd love to."

They stepped in front of Sapphire and October said, "Ladies, fire at will."

"Hello. My name is Charlie Duncan. You killed my favorite series. Prepare to die," she said, raising her pistols in each hand.

With a high-pitched, girlish shriek, Sapphire disappeared with a crack.

"Oh, son of a bitch!" October said, suddenly forgetting the "no swearing on the job" rule.

"She can _Apparate_ now?" Ginny screamed.

"Son of a _bitch_!"

"Don't just stand here, we have to find her!" said Brandon. "Aphrodite, you got any tracking spells?"

"Uh, yeah, let me look in my records," she said, flicking some of her dyed-electric blue hair over her shoulder. She reached into her bag and got out her tablet.

"Really?" said October. "You store valuable info on the most complex and ancient magic known to man on a _tablet_?"

"Hey, if Merlin had had access to a tablet in his time, he would've used one, too."

"How does that work here?" asked Hermione. "That's an electronic."

"A _magic-powered_ electronic," Aphrodite corrected.

"…what?"

Draco waved it off. "Eh, it's magic, so you don't have to explain it."

"But—" Harry began.

"Do you want to get rained on again?" asked Ginny.

"…no…"

"Okay, I found the tracking spell," said Aphrodite. She raised a hand and said, "Vyklikać shocon."

An orb appeared, showing a picture of Sapphire and her location.

"Is she where I think she…?" Brandon muttered.

"Oh, God," said Charlie, suddenly going pale.

"What is it?" asked Luna. "What's wrong?"

"Sapphire isn't an ordinary Mary Sue," Brandon said, massaging his forehead. "She's a reality warper."

"What does that mean?"

"She can travel to other universes and infiltrate other fandoms, and shape herself to fit in there."

"Damn," said Aphrodite. "Haven't had one of these in a while."

"Does this mean what I think it does?"

"Afraid so," said Charlie, looking grim, which was highly unusual for her. "She's in the King Arthur universe right now, being rescued by Lancelot."

October summed up the mood in a few simple words.

"_Son of a bitch_!"


	8. Chapter 7

"I'm with the boss on this one," said Aphrodite. "Pardon my French, but—_SON OF A BITCH_."

"Ah, guys?" said Charlie, brushing her blonde bangs away from her eyes. "We're attracting attention."

It was true. Several students had stopped to watch the scene. Some (like Lavender Brown) were standing there, staring at the MSEA in shock and confusion. Others (like Natalie McDonald) were watching with great interest.

October recovered from her "son of a bitch" mood, and was suddenly all business again. "We need to get out of here before someone panics and gets the wrong idea."

Charlie nodded. "Last time I was in the Potterverse, a ship-owner in Hogsmede hexed me when he saw my gun. Even after I got out of the hospital ward, I couldn't taste any food I ate for a month after that."

"He said he was very sorry," Brandon added, remembering that mission.

"I don't care if he was sorry," Charlie said moodily. "My birthday fell that month." She turned to look at Hermione. "Do know what it is like, to have devil's food cake with chocolate frosting, and _not be able to taste it_?" She sniffled, and leaned against Aphrodite. "Hold me…"

"Quit screwing around," October snapped. She pulled out her walkie-talkie. "Monroe. It's your boss."

"Uh, hi, boss," came the young woman's voice from the other end. "Did you exterminate the Sue already?"

"Nope," said October. "She's a reality warper."

"Wait, what?" said another, younger voice from Gigi's end. "What's a reality warper?"

"Not _now_, Shadows!" Gigi said. "Go clean something."

"Interns get stuck with all the boring jobs…"

"Well, duh. Why do you think we _have_ interns?"

"Focus!" October snapped. "Monroe, I need you to bring us back."

"On it, boss."

"Wait!" said Luna. "Bring you back? Where are you going?"

"Back to HQ," said Brandon. "We need to get ready for a super-mission."

"…can we come?" Ginny asked.

October (for once) went silent, and stood there for almost a full minute, blinking, staring at Ginny in surprise. Clearly, this was a new scenario for her.

"Why would you want to come?" asked Aphrodite. "This is a hard, smelly, unpleasant job."

"If anyone's gonna take that bitch out, it's gonna be me," said Draco.

"This is a job for professionals, kid," said October.

"Don't call me kid, I am not a kid, I am a full adult by wizard law," the Slytherin said irritably.

October ignored him and continued, "If one of you guys got hurt in a different universe, we'd be screwed. The answer is no, and that's final."

"I bet I can convince you," said Ginny, smirking.

"I doubt it."

Ginny cleared her throat and began her speech.

* * *

><p>"How does she do that?" asked Aphrodite. They were in the MSEA HQ's lounge, eating the refreshments that were always left out for exterminators to eat during their downtime.<p>

Ginny smirked. "I have my ways."

October was pacing, too agitated to eat. This didn't seem to be an issue for the rest of her team, though. Brandon had made himself a cracker and cheese mini-platter, Aphrodite was daintily sipping on her banana smoothie, and Charlie was shoveling down a plate of cookies.

"I think," October said finally, "this is a job that requires the transporter packs."

This was (apparently) a big deal, as Charlie stopped eating long enough to say, "No. Freakin'. _Way_! Really?" and Aphrodite choked on a bit of her drink. Once she wiped up what she'd spit out she said, "Those haven't been used in ages."

"Are you serious, boss?" said Brandon. "I've never even _touched_ one."

"I only have for tests," October admitted. "It's not often a mission requires one, but then again, it's not often we have to deal with a reality warper, either…"

"What are transporter packs?" asked Harry.

"They're like the transporter we used to travel to your universe," explained Brandon, "but they're smaller, work faster, and are for one person at a time. It takes a lot of responsibility to handle one, which is why we only use them in dire situations, like when we're traveling to multiple universes for one mission."

"So that's how we'd keep up with Sapphire," said Hermione.

"Exactly. We'd be able to switch universes almost as fast as she can."

"Are there enough for all of us?" asked Luna.

"Oh, yeah, there are about fifty in existence," said Charlie, brushing it off with a wave of her hand. "Most missions that need transporter packs need a _lot_ of exterminators."

"Here's the game plan," said October. "We'll get you into proper exterminating uniform, teach you how to use the transporter packs, track down Sapphire, and go kill that bitch."

"Sounds like a plan to me," said Ginny, finishing what was left of her apple.

"Onwards, to adventure!" Brandon shouted in the most Gandalf-y voice he could manage.


	9. Chapter 8

"Freeman!" October called, sounding like a drill sergeant.

"Here!"

"Adams!"

"Here!"

"Duncan!"

"Yo-yo, ma!"

October hit her colleague over the head with her clipboard, then called, "Potter!"

"Here!" Harry called.

"Granger!"

"Here!"

"Weasley!"

"Here!"

"Other Weasley!"

"Here!"

"Malfoy!"

"Here!"

"Aaaaaaaand… Lovegood!"

"Here!"

"Okay, that's everyone," said Gigi. She and Missy were tracking Sapphire. "The reader says she's currently in the Star Trek Universe. She's on the Enterprise as a new doctor."

"Wait, which series?" asked Charlie.

"Original."

"Got it," said October. "Aphrodite, do you have that new spell?"

"Yes, boss," she said. She pulled it up on her tablet. "It'll help us blend in with any universe we go to."

"Excellent. Does everyone have their transporter packs?"

The team made a noise that sounded like a low rumble, but was actually composed of people saying "yeah" or "yep" or "uh-huh" or something else of that nature.

"Now, pay attention," October said. "This is important. I want you to type in exactly what I tell you to, and don't do anything else until I say it's okay. We can't have you being transported to some random universe. It'd take forever to track you down."

"Um, excuse me," said Ginny, raising her hand.

"Yes, other Weasley?"

"I have a question."

"Shoot."

"What happens if you mistype and put in a universe that doesn't exist at all?"

She paused, and then said, "Do you really want to know?"

"Aw, come on, boss," said Charlie. "She's not a kid. She deserves to know."

"Tell me," Ginny insisted.

"Yeah, I wanna know, too," agreed Harry. The others nodded in agreement.

"If we can't find the creator, or if we can't convince the creator to erase the Sue, we transport the Sue to a universe that doesn't exist."

"And what happens to them?" asked Hermione.

"That's the worst part," Brandon said. "Since a Sue can't really die unless it's erased, they're just trapped in Nothingness forever. They're awake, but they're just surrounded by darkness. No sounds, no sights, no feelings, just… nothing."

"That's terrible!" said Ginny, clearly horrified. "_No one_ deserves _that_!"

Aphrodite nodded. "We know. We don't like doing it if we can possibly avoid it, but sometimes it's our only option."

"We never do it unless absolutely necessary," Charlie added. "Destroying it is really kinder in the end."

"Wait, what happens if a human is sent to the Nothingness?" asked Draco.

"Well," said October, "they die."

There was a long, very tense pause.

"Sooo… are gonna go kill something, or what?" Charlie finally asked.

"Right," said October, "type 'Trek_Original_Series' into the universe space, and 'CoatCloset2' into the location space. That should be out of the way enough. Is everyone ready?"

Once again, a low rumble of "yeahs" and "yeps" sounded.

"Okay. Hit the 'transport' button when I say' go.'"

* * *

><p>"Dammit, Jim, I thought we were done with this crap when we got rid of Ensign Sue!" McCoy said, glancing at the new doctor, Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont.<p>

"I know, I know," Kirk sighed. "So did I. She just showed up out of nowhere!"

"What should we do? Give her another red shirt?"

Suddenly, a group of people neither Kirk nor McCoy had seen before walked by.

"How come I have to wear a red shirt?" a girl with blue hair groaned.

"Shut it, Adams," another young woman said. "It's just for the mission. If you get put into mortal peril or something, we can get you out easily enough."

"Jim, should we get security?" McCoy asked.

"Probably," the Captain said.

"Now," said a boy with red hair and freckles, "if I were a Mary Sue, where would I hide?"

"I just hope she doesn't notice us so we can kill her."

Kirk turned to McCoy. "Let them stay."

* * *

><p>Missy Shadows was alone in the room. She glanced over her shoulder to make sure Gigi was out of the hallway and well on her way to the lounge. Good, she was. Missy shut the door and locked it. She couldn't afford to risk anyone butting in on this conversation.<p>

After deactivating the room's microphones (October insisted on recording their conversations, just in case they forgot something important), she went to the computer and opened up a video chat. Her employer appeared on the screen, her features obscured in shadows.

"Ah, Miss Shadows," her employer said. Missy could see just enough of her face to see that she was smiling.

"You wanted to speak to me?"

"Yes. I wanted to find out what your progress was. Have you been carrying out your assignments?"

The teenager nodded. "Yes, ma'am. But posing as an intern restricts where I can go. I have to be really subtle whenever I listen in. If I'm caught, I'm sent to mop the floor someplace."

"Yes, interns always get stuck with the boring jobs, don't they? But it's for the best. People wouldn't expect someone like you to be a threat. We have to use that to our advantage."

"They've found out that Sapphire is a reality warper," Missy reported. "They have transporter packs that allow them to follow her and spells that allow them to blend in as well as she can."

"This isn't good…"

"I'm trying to find out more, but Gigi keeps me on a short leash."

"Keep a close eye on them, Miss Shadows. And listen in on all their conversations. _Especially_ when Gigi tells you not to."

* * *

><p><strong>Whoo! It took forever to write, but this chapter is done! And I have more news. On my profile, I've posted a link to my Polyvore account, where I've made outfit sets for October, Charlie, Aphrodite, Gigi, and Missy. Check them out, and comment on them in your review!<strong>

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	10. Chapter 9

Missy closed the video chat window as her employer—her real employer, not the idiots running the MSEA—disconnected. Her fingers drummed against the surface of the desk as she thought about what she should do next. Her orders were clear; find out what she could about the MSEA and how to destroy them and report her findings back to… Come to think of it, she didn't even know her employer's real name. Missy always called her the Anonymous. Whenever they spoke in video chat, the Anonymous's features were hidden by shadow. All of Missy's paychecks and assignments were delivered to her through a third party. When Missy had asked why, the Anonymous had simply said, "I have a reputation to uphold." Missy knew better than to question her any further.

There was a fairly easy way to track down an exterminator, in case they got into mortal peril and needed to be bailed out, but it took a while to work, and Missy couldn't afford to have Gigi catch her. The MSEA didn't like teenage girls much and they liked spies even less. If they knew what Missy was up to…

Missy shuddered at the thought.

She opened the door a crack and peeked down the hallway. No one but two of the security guards, Mark and Bree, was in sight. They were on duty, and weren't likely to let someone as insignificant as an intern like Missy distract them from the task at hand. She slipped back inside and made her way over to the Supercomputer, and pulled up the tracking program.

_ExterminatorTracker6000_program_feature:track_

_Maynard, October Harper_

_ID: 789_

A map of the various universes appeared on the screen. The Supercomputer beeped and whirred as the grid zoomed in on one of the oldest universes in existence—Greek mythology.

* * *

><p>"I didn't even know there <em>was<em> a goddess of sparkles…" said Brandon as he and the team trekked around ancient Athens. They were in clothes appropriate for the time and place, but they still drew attention. Probably because only Charlie knew any Ancient Greek. (_Why_, exactly, she knew Ancient Greek went unexplained.)

"There wasn't," said Hermione. "Not before Sapphire got here."

"I wish we were in the Percy Jackson universe," said Aphrodite (who had already been called disrespectful for having the name that she did). "Then we could enlist the help of some of the demigods, who, y'know, speak English."

"Yeah, but then we'd be plagued with monsters," said Charlie. "Either way, this is gonna suck."

"I _wish_ I knew what you were talking about," muttered Ginny.

"_Percy Jackson and the Olympians_," Charlie explained. "Book series. Read it."

"Where do you suppose Sapphire is now?" asked Harry.

"Since she's a goddess now, I'm guessing Mount Olympus," said Brandon, "but who knows?"

"Adams," said October, turning to the girl, "do you have a tracking spell we could use?"

"Maybe. We'd have to find someplace out of the way to cast it. The last thing we need is to get struck with a lightning bolt or something."

"He's _Zeus_," Hermione said. "Do you honestly think we can hide from the ruler of Mount Olympus?"

"No, but we can have fun trying!"

* * *

><p>"…that wasn't fun at all!"<p>

"Oh, come on, boss, it wasn't _that_ bad…"

"We got struck by lightning!"

"Reviving Harry didn't take too long."

"It took us six hours!"

"It could've been worse," Aphrodite insisted.

October massaged her forehead. "We've been at this all day, we still haven't tracked down Sapphire, we're in a time period where electricity isn't available, no one here speaks English but us, Sapphire has become the goddess of _sparkles_, and the king of the gods went Matilda on our asses and tried to smite us."

"…okay, when you put it like that, it does sound pretty bad…"

Harry, who still had a migraine, groaned and said, "Any idea where she is?"

Aphrodite shook her head. "I can't get a signal on my tracker and I'm not about to risk using magic again."

"Well… shit," said Charlie.

"Language," October droned, though she didn't sound as annoyed as she usually did when she chided Charlie's poor conduct. Instead, she just sounded exhausted.

"Sorry, boss."

Ron, who was lying face down in the grass, groaned, "I'm too tired to move. Can we just sleep here?"

Examining her transporter, October said, "I think we have just enough battery power to get home. You guys can stay at HQ in the intern dorms."

"Thank you," said Luna. Her blonde hair was still singed at the ends.

"The things I go through to get rid of people who annoy me," Draco muttered.

"Amen, brother," Aphrodite agreed.

October sighed. "Adams, can you use magic just to communicate with Monroe? She needs to know we're headed back."

"Fine, but if I get smited, you get none of my stuff."

"Fair enough."

"Can I have your CDs?" Charlie asked.

Aphrodite ignored her coworker, and instead recited a communication spell. Gigi's face appeared in a silver ball of light that floated above them. She wasn't in the HQ like she usually was. Instead, she was outside, and her face was pale and worried.

"Monroe," said October, "we need you to get to the transporter room. We're headed home and we need to discuss—"

"October," Gigi interrupted, "I can't do that. There is no transporter room anymore—no HQ anymore—no MSEA anymore."

"What're you talking about?"

"Something's happened. The HQ caught on fire. Only one out of six people made it out. At—at least a hundred people are dead… a good chunk of them are still unaccounted for… I don't know who did it… The guards did everything they could to save everyone, but the fire spread too quickly. We th-think it was arson. Inside job… Someone broke into the security system and destroyed the tapes, so we can't… I—I'm sorry."

* * *

><p><strong>And <strong>_**that**_**, children, is how you make up for a late update!**

**Some of you may be aware of a website called TV Tropes. If not, check it out—it's amazing. Anyway, I made a TV Tropes page for this fanfic, because I'm self-centered like that. On my profile, I've put a link to the page. Please help me edit it! I'll love you forever.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	11. Chapter 10

The world stood still and everyone's minds went blank. For a few moments, Harry forgot that he was in ancient Greece, in a world where he knew nothing about how things worked, and that Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont was still running loose. In those few moments, everyone was just trying to register the news.

"_The HQ caught on fire. Only one out of six people made it out."_

Brandon was the first to speak after almost a full minute of dead silence. "Boss? You in there?"

October was sitting there on the grass, staring straight ahead, her face blank. The only hint of any emotion whatsoever was the tears brimming in her gray eyes. "HQ… gone…?" she murmured.

"Boss?"

"Six years… It's my home…"

As if on cue, Charlie wrapped an arm around October's shoulders and Aphrodite patted her on the back. October couldn't say anything, but she nodded in reply to the gestures, which was just as good as a "thank you." It was the closest thing they'd get at this point.

"What should we do?" Ron asked.

"I guess all we can do is go back to—go back to where HQ was and…" Brandon said, trying to find words. "And look for survivors."

October licked her lips and nodded, trying to regain her professionalism. "Everyone set your transporter packs to 'MSEA HQ building site.' I hope that gets us in the right place."

* * *

><p>The aftermath of the fire was horrible. Gigi and Missy stood in front of the charred, burnt remains of the HQ. The building was still standing, but whole chunks were burned away. The intern appeared to be especially disturbed by the incident. Missy Shadows stood, staring up at what used to be the dorm room she shared with Courtney Farmer and Betsy Barker, two other interns at the MSEA. Betsy had been found dead, having inhaled too much smoke. Courtney's whereabouts were still unknown.<p>

"Whoever started the fire knew what they were doing," she heard one of the investigators say. "You're lucky this many people made it out."

Gigi nodded, wrapping an arm around Missy's shoulders protectively. "How many survivors have been found so far?"

"Twelve exterminators, five of whom are in medical care. Twenty nine guards, _all_ of whom are in medical care. Two interns, plus Ms. Shadows here. A couple janitors. A programmer or two."

"Hey, look, Maynard is back!" a voice shouted.

Gigi and Missy turned and saw that October, her team, and the Potter characters had returned from their mission. Charlie immediately tossed down her machine gun and dashed into the building. Her friends (sans October, who stayed behind to talk to Gigi) followed her as she climbed up the remains of the stairs leading to the East Wing, where she slept. The dorm she shared with Aphrodite—Dorm 76C—was almost completely burnt away.

"This—this is horrible," Ginny said, stepping over a pile of ash and rubble that used to be Charlie's gaming console. "What kind of a psycho would _do_ something like this?"

Aphrodite had taken a seat on what was left of the bunk bed (not much) and was staring at her room, where she had resided for almost a full four years. Charlie, who had been there almost as long as October had, no longer had a bunk to sit on. Her half of the bed was completely gone. She was leaning against a wall, her eyes glazed over.

"I should probably go see what kind of state my room is in," Brandon muttered, his voice sounding hollow. "Then I'll go see if October is okay."

"I'll go with you," said Ginny.

Hermione, Ginny, Ron, and Harry went with Brandon, but Draco and Luna opted to stay with Charlie and Aphrodite. Draco and Aphrodite dug through the piles of rubble, searching for anything that might've survived the fire, while Luna and Charlie pushed away some wood and tile that had fallen in front of the closet door.

"My spellbooks," Aphrodite wailed, holding up what was left of the case she kept them in. "All my spellbooks are gone."

"So are all our clothes," Charlie said, looking at what was once their closet, "and my knife collection is gone, too."

"I hate to say this, but I think _everything_ is gone," Luna said. It appeared she was right. The only thing that was even recognizable in the room was the desk, and even it was blackened and eaten by fire.

There was a long, very tense pause before Charlie said something that everyone in the room was thinking.

"What now?"

* * *

><p>"We are gathered here today to honor the lives and mourn the deaths of our comrades who we lost in the fire."<p>

Everyone stood in front of the site of the fire, listening to October's eulogy. No one was sure how to react when they saw their seemingly fearless leader trying to not break down in tears again.

"Words cannot express the great pain I feel for the families and friends of the deceased. I wish I could say that I have spoken to, that I knew, that I was friends with each and every one of the people we lost today, but I cannot, and for that, I will be forever regretful."

She licked her lips and continued.

"But these people did not live in vain. To work for the MSEA is to contribute to a common goal: to make the world of fandoms a better place. Every exterminator, every guard, every intern, every researcher, and every single person I employed for this great establishment helped us move towards that goal. Each and every one of them was an important part of making our dream—our dream of a Sue-free internet, a perfect fanfic, a world where all the fandoms live in harmony—come closer to being a reality. So no, I may have not known every one of them, but I will _always_ be grateful to every one of them."

October took a shaky breath and swayed on the spot. Brandon placed a hand on her shoulder to keep her steady.

"We _will_ find the cause of the fire, and they _will_ be punished. Our dead shall not go unremembered, unappreciated, or unavenged. But for today, let us not dwell on revenge or anger. Today, let us take a moment of silence to respect and reflect on the departed."

And for the first time ever, the MSEA HQ was completely quiet.


	12. Chapter 11

"You did very well, Miss Shadows. Everything is going exactly as planned."

Missy was hiding in the woods near what was once the MSEA HQ, talking on one of her many, many, many crappy disposable cell phones. Throughout her job, she would use each phone for one, two conversations tops with the Anonymous, and then throw it away. They couldn't risk someone finding her number and using it to track her.

"They know it was arson," Missy muttered into the phone, keeping her voice down. "It's only a matter of time before they figure out that I—"

"Those idiots running the MSEA couldn't figure out how to write Draco Malfoy in character if you gave them a guide _and_ an author interview," the Anonymous assured her. "They won't figure out your hand in that little fire."

"What was the _point _of that, anyway?"

"It had several points, my dear Miss Shadows. For one thing, it caused a diversion. No one will notice when the next step of my plan is enacted. For another, it eliminated a lot of people who could be a threat to us."

"When does the next step of the plan take place?"

"That depends on your answer to my next question."

"Yes?"

"Are you free tonight?"

* * *

><p>There are some places on this planet where you're bound to run into a bunch of idiots. The most famous of these places are reality TV, politics, and middle school. But never before in history had so many idiots been crammed into the same room. There are also some places on this planet where you're bound to run into trolls and smartasses, such as the internet, any Halloween party, and middle school. But never before in history had so many trolls and smartasses been crammed into the same room.<p>

Trolls, smartasses, and idiots alike all had one question on their mind:

_How am I here?_

Indeed, all of these people (mostly teenagers) had been minding their own business, going through their day to day lives, when they were suddenly teleported into this large room full of seats. On the stage at the front of the room, a teenaged girl, maybe fifteen or so, stood there, fussing with a projector and a laptop. Once she got it set up, she pulled out her cell phone and sent a text message.

_Everything's ready for you to present. Be ready in 5 min._

Missy smoothed her skirt and turned to face the room.

"Attention, everyone!" she called out, doing her best to avoid eye contact with some of the creepier people there. "My employer will be logging on and video calling us in five minutes, so kindly quiet down and be prepared to listen."

"What did she say?" someone shouted from the back.

Missy raised her voice a bit. "My employer will be logging and video calling us in five minutes! So please lower your voices a bit and get ready to listen to her!"

"What's an employer?" a teenage girl in the front row asked, snapping her bubble gum loudly.

Missy tried to keep her voice even as she said, "An employer is someone who pays you to do stuff."

"What? I can't hear you! Speak up, girl!" someone further back screamed.

Missy finally lost her patience. "MY BOSS IS GONNA TALK TO US SOON. SHUT YOUR TRAPS AND LISTEN!"

"Oh."

The sound of a Skype call coming in rang through the room. Missy answered the call. The projector, well, projected the image of her employer, the Anonymous, sitting with her back to the camera in a large black spinny chair.

"Good day, everyone," she said lazily. "Thank you so much for joining me. We are all brought together by a common interest: fanfic."

A wave of cheering and applause. Though no one could see her, the Anonymous smirked.

"And you all have something in common: you all write _bad_ fanfic."

Trolls and smartasses fistbumped each other. Idiots and rabid shippers booed at the screen.

"Hey, now," the Anonymous said in a condescending tone, "don't get your shipping goggles in a wad. I'm just stating the facts. I've scoured countless fandoms, spending too many hours to count looking for the worst of the worst. The crap of the crop. The most sickening, mind-numbing, horrid, idiotic, ridiculous, canon-raping, illogical—"

"Get to the point already!" someone in the audience shouted.

She huffed and said, "The point is, I've been looking for the worst fanfic writers on the internet, and you all are it. Some of you do it on purpose—"

The trolls in the room erupted in cheering and whooping.

"—and some of you really are that stupid."

"Heeeeeeey," someone whined.

"So, my fellow fangirls and fanboys, my fellow trolls, my fellow fanfic writers, I need your help. Some of you may be aware of an organization called the MSEA—Mary Sue Extermination Association."

Several people grumbled at the mention of the MSEA.

"Show of hands. How many of you have had one of your OCs exterminated by October Maynard and her band of hooligans?"

Missy counted the hands and said, "334 out of 502 people."

"Excellent. So most of you have a bone to pick with Maynard."

"She sent some people after my _Sailor Moon _OC, Sailor Asteroid Belt!" someone complained.

"Well, I have good news. The MSEA headquarters recently burned to the ground. A good chunk of the Exterminators are dead. The ones that are alive are in no shape to be exterminating anyone."

Applause.

"I have a… particular loathing for the MSEA, and I have a plan to bring it down once and for all. But I need your help. Trolls, I need you to create the biggest Mary Sues and Gary Stus you can. The rest of you… just keep doing what you already do."

"Why should we help you?" someone asked.

"Good question," the Anonymous said. "What is your name, if I may?"

"Mark."

"How many hours have you wasted on fanfic, Mark?"

"…probably more than I should."

"How many fanfics have you written?"

"Over 100, for more than 20 different fandoms."

"You seem to be fairly intelligent, Mark, so am I safe to assume that these are _all_ trollfics?"

"Well," Mark said awkwardly, "yeah."

"Have you ever written a genuine fanfic, made out of love for a fandom?"

"…no…" He perked up a bit. "I like annoying people. It's fun."

"…wow," she said. "You need to get some."

Mark sunk into his seat a bit. "Yeah, I know."

"The point is, all the time we spend creating bad fanfiction… in the end, it amounts to nothing. We live, we troll, we die, and then our fanfics are buried in the masses, forever forgotten. Now's our chance to make our squees be heard! Now's our chance to force them to notice our OCs! Now's our chance to make our One True Pairings canon! With the MSEA in shambles, there's nothing that can stop us from taking over."

This caused much murmuring in the crowd.

"First, we take over one fandom. Then the next fandom, the next fandom, the next fandom. Once we have control over fanfiction-dot-net, we can move on, to Tumblr, deviantART, and 4chan! Soon, we'll have an army of Sues so strong that no one will stand in our way when we take over the entire internet!"

Murmuring changed into full on cheering.

"First the internet, and then… THE WORLD!"

* * *

><p><strong>I wanted to do a more villain-centered chapter, and so… <strong>_**this**_** happened.**

**As you may have noticed, FF has decided to let us have "covers" for our stories now. But here's the thing. I can't draw worth shit! So if you **_**can**_** draw worth shit, I'll cut a deal with you. Upload a cover for the fanfic to deviantART and send me a note with a link to it (my username is susieboo22). If I pick your cover, I'll pay you in fanfic. I'll write a oneshot for Harry Potter, any characters or era or setting or whatever you want. **

**(But no lemons. Sorry.)**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	13. Chapter 12

After a day of mourning, the remaining members of the MSEA knew what they had to do: get their shit together, try to find a new HQ, and resume their jobs of maintaining the peace between fandoms. They did what they could to salvage what survived the fire (which wasn't much).

Charlie dropped a few mostly-destroyed machine guns onto the ever-growing pile of things that needed to be thrown away. "No surviving weapons have been found so far," she said to Gigi, who was keeping a tally.

"Keep looking," Gigi said. "There's bound to be a few things we can save."

"Has that one missing intern been located yet?"

"Courtney Farmer? No, not yet. We're starting to assume the worst."

"Poor kid…" Charlie said, her voice unusually heavy.

Meanwhile, Harry and co. were using a bit of magic to make the cleanup a bit easier. Ron waved his wand and moved a broken bunk bed aside, as Hermione tried to repair a broken ray gun. Much to her surprise, the magic didn't have the effect she was hoping for. The energy in the gun crackled, before shooting off in random directions for a few seconds.

Once everyone had come out from their hiding places, Aphrodite picked up the gun with a pair of tongs and said, "Sorry, I forgot to warn you about that. We have all the weapons fixed so magic doesn't work on them."

"Why?" asked Harry, brushing himself off.

"If a Mary Sue or someone else tried to use magic to tamper with them, things could get very bad very quickly. It's best not to take any chances. We'll have to throw most of our weapons away, though a few of them might be able to be saved."

Brandon, who was helping Gigi sort through the damaged weapons, cast a glance over at October.

"Will she be alright?" he asked. "She hasn't been herself."

"PTSD," Gigi sighed. "She's never had to deal with something this extreme before. Give her time."

"I'm trying. But I'm worried. She's usually so…"

"Cold? Emotionless? Stoic?"

"…Strong."

"Oh. Yeah. That, too."

Draco, Ginny and Luna were helping October keep an eye on everything. October normally could handle that by herself, but she was _not_ in the proper emotional state to be looking at so much destruction on her own.

"You know," Draco said to the girls, "when I agreed to help out the MSEA, I expected to get rid of Sapphire and leave. I didn't sign on for this!"

"Shut up, Malfoy," Ginny said automatically.

"Well—"

"I said shut up."

October sighed and called out, "Lunchtime! Everyone take a break!"

"We don't have any food," someone called back.

The leader of the MSEA massaged her forehead. "Shit. I forgot."

There was a very long pause.

"McDonald's, anyone?"

* * *

><p>"Uh-oh."<p>

Everyone looked up from their pitiful dollar-menu lunches to glance at Gigi, who was on her laptop, taking advantage of the Wi-Fi.

"What's wrong?" asked Ron.

"I was just browsing Fanfiction dot net, to make sure everything's under control without us, and…"

"And?" Harry pressed.

"It's… not."

"How bad is it?" October asked tonelessly.

"I've clicked on thirty stories in the past half hour. Twenty five of them are Suefics." She clicked on a couple more links. "Make that twenty six out of thirty one. And I've found some OCs on deviantART that just reek of Mary Sue."

"How is it in the RP forums?" asked Charlie.

"Let me check one." Gigi opened up a new window. "…Oh dear. _Every_ new character is a Sue and they're _all_ Godmoding!"

Brandon scowled. "That is _so_ against the Geek Code!"

Aphrodite (who didn't seem to mind Charlie eating her fries without asking) frowned. "I knew things would get a bit out of control without the MSEA, but I didn't think it'd be _this_ bad!"

"Wait…" Gigi said, looking at the posts and fanfics more closely. "All these Suefics are written by the same five authors!"

"Really?"

"And the Sue-ish OC art? Same artist!"

"Honestly, of all the times for a Sue infestation!" October said, throwing up her hands.

"It's like a conspiracy!" Aphrodite agreed.

There was a pause as everyone registered her comment.

"You don't think…?"


	14. Chapter 13

"What are we going to _do_?" Charlie lamented, scrolling through the many, many, _many _Suefics on her phone. "There's no way we can exterminate all of these!"

"I have some weapons ordered," said Gigi, "but they won't come for a few more days."

"We can't leave an infestation unattended for that long," Brandon said. "Not after what happened last time."

"Wait, what happened last time?" asked Ginny, interested.

Every single one of the non-_Harry Potter_ characters winced. Thinking about what happened "last time" was almost physically painful.

"We vowed to never speak of that dark day again," Aphrodite said, brushing some of her hair out of her eyes. "Let's just say a lot of people got injured, Charlie is no longer allowed in the _Sherlock_ universe—"

"I did what I had to do!" her friend said defensively.

"—and I got trapped on the planet Blorch for five days."

"Blorch?" said Harry.

"Home of the slaughtering rat people."

"Getting back on topic," said Hermione, "what can we do about the infestation until the weapons arrive?"

"Not much," October sighed. "The best we can do is leave scathing reviews on all the Suefics in hope that it'll make the authors quit writing."

"It's been an hour," said Brandon, checking his watch. "We should head back to HQ."

* * *

><p>Missy was talking on one of her disposable cell phones to the Anonymous. She'd been checking the progress of the infestation on her good phone, the phone she actually used. It was going well. The Anonymous's plan was working out just the way she'd intended, and Missy's own hopes were being fulfilled as well.<p>

"More Sues crop up every hour," the Anonymous said contentedly.

"And no one's around to destroy them?"

"No one. You did your job well, Miss Shadows. All they can do is flame."

"Who knows? Maybe the flames will do more good than the MSEA ever could."

"What do you mean by that?"

"Well, constructive criticism can work wonders. With any luck, the authors may stop writing Sues on their own."

"Aw, but that isn't any fun!"

"Come on, there'll always be more Sues… but I think getting rid of the MSEA altogether is a step forward."

"Is that so?" a steely cold voice from behind her said.

Missy turned, and saw October Harper Maynard standing there, arms crossed, eyes narrowed.

"I'll call you back," Missy said, hanging up.

"Shadows, what are you doing out here?" October asked. "You're _supposed _to be back at HQ, helping the others. You're supposed to be helping us rebuild the MSEA."

Missy drew herself up to her full height (though October still towered over her). No point in keeping up her façade any longer. "I don't think I want to do that."

October glared down at the teenage girl. "Why not?"

"You do a bad thing, Ms. Maynard. Destroying Mary Sues without a thought!"

"I do what I have to do, Shadows, and just because you're too young and idealistic to understand that—"

"I am _not_ idealistic by _any_ stretch of the imagination. It's a big world out there, and I've seen the darkest corners of the fandoms you and your team have only _heard_ about. The only way to deal with these Sues is to fix what is broken, rather than destroy them and make room for a new one! And the only way to make you see that is to destroy your way of maintaining peace between the fandoms—and make room for a new one."

October's gray eyes widened in realization.

"Shadows, did you set the building on fire?"

"You want answers?"

"I think I'm entitled."

"You want answers?!" Missy repeated furiously.

"I want the _truth_!"

"_You can't HANDLE the truth_! Ms. Maynard, we live in a world that has fandoms, and those fandoms have to be monitored every second of the day. Who's gonna do it? You? _You_, October Maynard? I have a greater responsibility than you can possibly fathom! You weep for out of character moments and you curse the authors who write Mary Sues. You have that luxury. You have the luxury of not knowing what I know: that the MSEA's death, while tragic, probably made things better in the long run by forcing us to give _constructive criticism_ and _make better authors_. And my existence, while _grotesque_ and _incomprehensible_ to you, _makes better authors_! You don't want the truth, because deep down in places you don't talk about at parties, you _want_ to have to write constructive criticism! You _need_ the MSEA gone! We use words like 'greater good,' 'easier,' 'rabid fangirls.' We use these words as the backbone of a life spent destroying something instead of making it better. You use them as an _excuse_! I have neither the time nor the inclination to explain myself to a woman who has the same goal as I do—to live in a Sue-free world—, and then _questions _the manner in which I accomplish that goal! I would rather you just said 'thank you' and went on your way. Otherwise, I suggest you pick up a laptop, and start critiquing. Either way, I don't give a _damn_ what you think you are entitled to!"

"Did you set the HQ on fire?"

"I did the job I had to do."

"_DID YOU SET THE HQ ON FIRE_?"

"YOU'RE GODDAMN _RIGHT_ I DID!"


	15. Chapter 14

October grabbed the girl by the scruff of her neck. "Missy, I hope you understand how much trouble you're in right now."

"Get _off_ of me," she growled.

The leader ignored her, opting to use her walkie-talkie to call into the HQ.

"Monroe, I found our arsonist," she said.

"Who?" Gigi's voice said through the radio.

"Shadows."

"The intern?!"

"Yep."

"I'll send Duncan and Adams over to help you keep her in custody until we can give her a trial."

October held the girl in a headlock, but Missy had other ideas.

"Well, the trouble is, Ms. Maynard, that you seem to be operating under the illusion that I am going to—what was the phrase? Ah, yes. 'Come quietly.'"

She pulled a transporter pack out of her bag (which was lying on the ground a few inches away) and plugged in a location. She shook October off as she began to fade away, and smugly waved goodbye.

As Missy vanished completely, October started cursing loudly.

"COME UP WITH YOUR OWN LINES, YOU FUCKING PLAGERIZING BITCH!"

* * *

><p>The Anonymous smirked as she scrolled through the various Suefics that were plaguing the internet. An alicorn with the talent of perfection. A witch more powerful than Snape and Dumbledore combined. A soprano with more talent than Christine who the Phantom falls for.<p>

And the MSEA could do nothing about it.

One of her workers, Jenny, knocked on the door of her office.

"Miss Anonymous?"

After the reign of Suedom had begun on the internet, Jenny Ravensburg and Tara Gillesbe had become the least of the internet's problems. They had been thoroughly demoted in terms of who the best trolls on the internet were. Tara didn't like losing her fame (or, rather, infamy) one bit, but Jenny didn't particularly care. As long as chaos and Suedom reigned, she could care less about who did the wreaking.

"Ah. Miss Ravensburg," the Anonymous said, not turning around to face the girl.

"Missy Shadows has arrived in the transporter room. She wishes to see you."

"Send her in."

"Oh, I should probably warn you—Tara's blown up a forum again."

"Which message board?"

"4chan."

"…How the hell did she manage that?"

"You know how there are certain topics you _just should not_ bring up on the internet?"

"Ah. Got it."

"This is worse than that time she managed to make a deviantART chat collapse on itself…"

"Talk about someone who doesn't know her own strength."

"Yeah, really."

Missy walked into the office. "I'd like to speak with the Anonymous alone, please," she said to Jenny.

"Why can't I stay?" she muttered.

"Because this is a chat between _superiors_, honey," Missy said in a voice that resembled the tone used by adults who are trying to explain big concepts to small children.

Jenny, who was a good six inches taller than Missy, loomed over her. "Can it, Starscream."

"Servant."

"Lackey."

"Secretary."

"Lickspittle."

"_Wesley_."

Jenny breathed in sharply through her teeth, leaned in, and said, "This isn't over."

She stormed out, accidentally-on-purpose knocking over a bookshelf as she went.

"Now that we've gotten rid of her," Missy said, sitting down in a chair on the other side of the Anonymous's desk, "I have some news."

"Yes?"

"Maynard knows I was the one to burn down the HQ. I expect she's already got her little minions out looking for me."

"That's not a problem," she said, smirking to the wall in front of her, "because I've already got my little minions out looking for them."

* * *

><p>Meanwhile, in an airport somewhere in Rio.<p>

"What the hell do you mean 'YOU CAN'T FIND HER?!' You're just not looking hard enough!"

"Charlie, please calm down…" Aphrodite muttered, covering her face with her hands.

"NO I WILL NOT CALM DOWN! WE HAVE TO LOCATE THAT BITCH, _NOW_!"

"Uh, hi, Charlie," Harry's voice said out of the cell phone. "Apparently you yelled at Gigi a bit too much, because she just threw the phone at me and stormed off."

"…That happens a lot…" Charlie admitted.

"…Wait, October wants to know if you two are still under your cloaking devices."

"For right now, yes," she confirmed. "We'll become visible again once we know what to do."

"…So the people in that airport just hear this disembodied voice?"

"Pretty much, yes."

"Where are you anyway?"

"Well, somehow we ended up in an airport. In Rio."

"…How?"

Charlie shuddered. "I'd rather not talk about it, grasshopper. A—a lot of people got injured… I lost one of my guns… Aphrodite nearly broke her toe… I had to make another deal with Satan…"

"That sounds aw—wait, _what_?"

"GottagoHarrybye!"

* * *

><p>Harry stared in bewilderment at the phone as Charlie hung up on him.<p>

"Well?" October asked, continuing the pace through the slowly-but-surely rebuilding HQ grounds. "Where are they?"

"Rio."

Brandon groaned. "Not Rio _again_… Not after what happened last time."

"I thought Charlie got banned," Gigi said, frowning.

"Yeah, but she was using a fake ID and a French accent at the time, so she's fine," October replied nonchalantly.

"Any luck finding Missy?" Luna asked, looking over Gigi's shoulder as she continued to search tracking programs for the ex-intern.

"None."

"I wish we could just 'accio' her here," Ginny sighed, resting her chin in her knees.

Brandon looked at her sympathetically. "There's not much you can do for us here. You're not in your own story anymore. Here, you're not a talented witch who can hit anyone she wants with a Bat Bogey Hex. Here, you're basically just a normal chick."

"Well, being normal sucks," Ron grumbled. "I want to go home as soon as we can."

"You can, you know," October said.

"…What?"

"We can send you home. We have transporter packs. You could go home right now if you wanted to."

The Harry Potter characters all glanced at each other. They'd been trapped in this world they didn't know for what seemed like decades. And now they had a chance to go home? Home, a place where they knew how things worked and could be of some use. Home, where they only had to tackle one Sue at a time, not the infestation that was taking place now. Home, where they could focus on their classes and friends and Quidditch, instead of transporters, Mary Sues, and the MSEA.

After a whispered conversation, Hermione spoke for all of them.

"We'll pass."

Before they could get a chance to discuss this Golden Moment, three big, surly-looking teenage boys dropped out of the sky. The biggest and surliest of them headed for October.

"May I help y—?"

She was cut off by the boy grabbing her arm and twisting it behind her back, taking her weapon off her in the process. Once she was disarmed, he pinned both arms behind her back and handcuffed her, forcing her to the ground. He pressed a foot to her back and forced her to lean forward in a "kneel before Zod" sort of way.

"_Hey_!"

Brandon, furious, jumped on the other boy without really thinking about it. You should know that Brandon Freeman, normally calm, quiet, and averted to physical violence, was really a quite scrawny guy. While he was disarmed, determined third grader could probably kick his ass. But October Maynard was a very special person to him. And if you cared about someone as much as Brandon cared about October, and then you saw someone attack that someone, you'd probably be pissed off enough to hit them in the nose and break their sunglasses, too.

"Brandon!" October said from the ground, shocked, as the lead Jerk and his two cronies restrained and forced her friend to the ground. He gave her a sheepish, embarrassed shrug.

"October Harper Maynard?" Jerk #1 said.

"Present," she growled through gritted teeth.

"You, Brandon Freeman, Gigi Monroe, Charlotte Duncan, and Aphrodite Adams are all under arrest."

"What?! Why?!"

"For the brutal extermination of Mary Sues—_without_ permission from their creators—, for excessive fandom-hopping, and for multiple deals with higher powers."

"Everyone does that!" Gigi protested as she, too, was put in handcuffs by Jerk #3.

Two more Jerks appeared out of thin air, Charlie and Aphrodite with them and in handcuffs.

"We got 'em, boss," Jerk #4 said.

Draco was incredulous. "How did you idiots get captured? You were _invisible_!"

"Sorry," Aphrodite said back.

"We're taking you five back to our HQ for a trial," Jerk #2 informed them. He glanced at the Potter characters. "You too."

"What? What do you want with _us_?" Ginny asked.

"Witnesses, of course. Now get over here."

* * *

><p><strong>Again, I apologize for the late update, but I do have a little news you all may like. I've decided to make stories about the MSEA a series called <strong>_**The MSEA Files**_**. The third one will be called **_**The MSEA Reloaded**_** and will be more sci-fi oriented than the others. And in that one, I plan to kill off a main character.**

**Can you guess who?**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	16. Chapter 15

"You're putting Tara in charge of the trial?! Why?!" Jenny said, slamming her hands on the Anonymous's desk. "Don't get me wrong, Tara's my best friend and I love her to death and I respect her writing-in a trolling, ironic way, of course-but she has all the legal knowledge of a _fish_!"

"I know," the Anonymous said, "that's the idea. The trial's more for show than anything."

"I've been studying to go into law school since sixth grade!"

"Sorry, Jen. You're just not as entertaining."

"Bu-"

"Relax, you'll still be in the witnesses. You can show off your legal knowledge there."

Tara sighed and massaged her forehead. "Fine. The trial starts in five minutes. You coming?"

"I'll be streaming it from the webcams I have set up in there."

"And after the MSEA is sentenced?"

"Back to wreaking chaos all over the interwebs."

* * *

><p>The MSEA and the Potter characters all sat in a small, bare room, waiting to be summoned. The MSEA were all in handcuffs, handcuffed together, in fact, which made moving around a bit difficult. Everyone had had their wands, weapons, and other things that could be useful taken away, so they were, to use the technical term, fucked.<p>

Hermione paced back and forth. "A trial. They're putting you on trial. They can't do that! They're what, sixteen at the oldest?"

October was freaking out a bit, too. And by "a bit," I mean she bumped into Brandon and screamed at him for three straight minutes before breaking down sobbing leaning against his shoulder. "We're dead, so very, very dead."

"Not necessarily," Brandon said weakly, attempting to comfort her. He awkwardly attempted to pat her shoulder with his right hand, which was handcuffed to Charlie's left hand.

"Hey, watch it!" Charlie snapped. She then sighed and said, "Sorry. Pressure's getting to me."

Aphrodite, who was fortunate enough to be at the end, stroked Charlie's blonde hair. "Don't worry about it. We're not dead just yet. We can figure something out, right?"

October groaned. "Get real, Adams. We're being illegally prosecuted by a bunch of internet losers who hate our guts and have never even set foot in a law school! And we don't even have a lawyer!"

"Excuse me," said a voice, "but we are _all_ internet losers. Why else would we bother with fanfic?"

Two young women were at the door. The voice belonged to Missy, looking meaner and classier than ever. She and October made intense hate-stares at each other for a moment before moving on. The second was another teenage girl. Professionally dressed, hair in a ponytail, black nail polish...

"Jenny?" Harry said, being the first to recognize her.

She smiled evilly. "So you do remember me. I can't help but feel touched."

"What the hell are you doing here?" Draco asked, glaring at her, having not forgotten all the trouble Ebony had caused for him.

"I work here. My employer sent me down to tell you something."

"Which is...?"

"You have a right to an attorney. But seeing as how getting a lawyer on such short notice isn't an option, you'll have to pick one of your own to defend you."

"Hey, aren't you the little slut who tried to kill us a few years ago?!" Charlie snapped.

"Yes, and may I remind you that I _almost_ succeeded, no thanks to Tara."

Before anyone could say anything more, Missy and Jenny sauntered (yes, they actually _sauntered_) out of the room.

"So... someone can defend us..." Gigi said slowly.

"Not it!" Ron, Ginny, Charlie, and Draco said in unison.

"Hermione," Luna said slowly, "you know a lot about law, don't you?"

"What, me?" she said, surprised. "I mean, I know a little, but that's mostly wizarding law, and-"

"It's not that different from Muggle law," Harry said. "I mean, obviously, wizarding law has to accommodate to magic, but the basics are the same."

"But it's not like it'll matter," Draco said. "I mean, it's a show trial. Missy and her employer are just doing this for their own amusement... right?"

"Maybe so," said Hermione, slowly nodding, "but I, for one, am not going down without a fight."

* * *

><p>"All rise for the honorable Judge Tara," one of the Jerks said. The prosecution (Missy), the defendants (the MSEA), their attorney (Hermione), the jury (every Mary Sue you can think of) and the witnesses (everybody else) rose to their feet as Tara entered the room. Even though it was just a show trial, they'd gone all-out. Tara had billowing black robes and everything. She took her place at the bench. "You may be seated."<p>

Tara slammed her mallet on the table. "GUILTY!"

"Excuse me!" Hermione said, jumping to her feet. "I was told I'd have a chance to defend my clients!"

Tara rolled her eyes. "Ugh, fine. ...So, what is this, again?"

Missy groaned and facepalmed. "The MSEA vs. the state of the internet. We've been over this."

Harry scanned the jury. Their chances didn't look good. Willow. Enoby. Ensign Sue. StarGleam. Every famous Mary Sue on the internet, parody or not, seemed to be there. And at the very end...

He nudged Ron. "Is that Sapphire?!"

It was. Sapphire Eleanor Rose Suzette de Mont was sitting in between a Trek Sue and an alicorn Sue, lovely and perfect and nauseating as ever. She was chatting merrily to a Gary Stu from the Doctor Who universe, telling anyone who was interested (no one) about her tragic past.

Tara didn't seem to really have a grasp on the whole "being a judge" thing, and was texting away on her cell phone. "So, um, yeah. We should, like, go over the charges or something."

Missy rose to her feet, looking over her clipboard. "Very well. The MSEA as a whole, these five specifically, are charged with excessive fandom-hopping for business, Sueslaughter, and deals with Satan. In addition, we are charging Charlotte Re-" Charlie coughed loudly to cover up her middle name. "-Duncan with shoplifting, soul-stealing, manslaughter, Sueslaughter, fandom-hopping for leisure and business, throwing a guy's car off a cliff, tossing someone's computer out a window-"

"They had badly written Johnlock on it!" Charlie complained.

"Shut up." She continued reading from the clipboard, flipping to the next page. "Attempting to impersonate a half-blood, attempting to impersonate an Irken, attempting to impersonate _me_, getting kicked out of Rio... _twice_, making out with a canon character on the job-oh, wait. The character was Irene Adler." She turned to Tara. "Should we drop that charge? I don't think any jury would convict her for _that_."

"Whatever, we'll get to that later," she said, not looking up from her cell phone."

"Okay. Let's see... shit, there are, like, fifty more of these... Throwing another guy's computer out a window, proposing to a canon character-then again, it _was_ Dean Winchester, so we may have to drop that one..."

She continued reading, but I won't bore you with all the charges. In fact, while Missy reads them, you could go out to lunch and grab a quick shower.

No, really. Go ahead.

I'll wait.

* * *

><p>"...Having a threesome with canon characters-<em>Christ<em>, you get around-, bitchslapping Voldemort, making toast with a ray gun and stuffing butter into a plasma blaster, and pirating music."

Missy put her clipboard down, done reading the things Charlie was charged with.

"Wake up!" she snapped.

Everyone jolted awake. Everyone except for Charlie herself, who had been listening intently the whole time.

"Wow," she said faintly. "I... am... _impressed_ with myself! I don't even remember doing half of that stuff!"

"You and I were both high on Felix Felicis when you bitchslapped Voldemort," Aphrodite reminded her. "I only had one bottle, but you had, like, seven."

"Anyway," Missy said, glaring at them, "let's get on with the trial. I'd like to call miss Jennifer White to the stand."

Jenny stood up from the bench and went to the stand. Missy held out a book for her to lay her hand on.

"Do you swear on this copy of _Harry Potter and the Order of the Phoenix_ to tell the truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you Rowling?"

"I do."

"You may be seated. So, Jenny, have the MSEA ever caused any trouble for you?"

"Oh, yes," she said, nodding. "They attempted to delete a trollfic I helped my friend write."

"Please, describe it."

"We worked for ages, trying to write the most hilariously awful fanfiction we could. And of course, that required a Mary Sue protagonist. It took hours and hours of careful, meticulous planning to create our Sue-Ebony Dark'ness Dementia Raven Way. And she was the biggest Sue around until the MSEA caught wind of our little joke. They showed up at our Troll Cave and pled with us to delete Ebony. When we refused, they attempted to go after her themselves." She took a sip of water from the glass that had been provided. "Fortunately, I went after them and managed to prevent that."

"Your Honor, I object!" Hermione said. "One of my clients reported to me that Jennifer attempted to kill them!"

"They tried to kill my Sue," Jenny said coldly, locking eyes with Hermione.

"That's different."

"...Not to me."

"Objection overruled," Tara said.

"I have no further questions," Missy said. Jenny returned to her seat. "I'd like to call October Maynard to the stand."

October rose, hands shaking. She straightened her tank top and jacket in an attempt to make herself look more together than she really was. After she took the oath of truth (using her favorite book, The Shining, so help her King), she sat down at the stand.

"Ms. Maynard, why did you join the MSEA?" Missy asked.

She licked her lips nervously. "I joined because the internet is a mess. The Mary Sues were taking over everything. You're a little too young to remember this, but back when I was just an intern, you couldn't even click on a link without worrying what horrors you might be subjected to."

"So you decided to make things safer through mass-murder."

"No!" October said, a bit too loudly. "Well, yes, but Sues aren't human-"

"Would you wipe out an unruly species of animals? After all, they aren't human."

"Well, no, but-I-well-I don't see what that has to do with anything!"

"I think you do."

"Your Honor, I don't think this is necessary," Hermione said, rising to her feet. Figuring this wasn't really even a proper trial, and thus, proper trial rules didn't apply, she simply said, "May I question someone?"

Tara sighed. "I suppose."

"I'd like to call Melissa 'Missy' Shadows to the stand."

* * *

><p><strong>Big news, guys! I just added a character sheet to the TV Tropes page for this fic, so get editing!<strong>

**(Also, I just turned fifteen. Just so ya know.)**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	17. Chapter 16

Hermione held out a copy of _Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows_ for Missy to put her right hand on. "Do you swear to tell the truth, the full truth, and nothing but the truth, so help you, Rowling?"

"I do."

"You may be seated."

Missy sat down in the chair while Hermione paced back and forth in front of her. She had never cross-examined anyone before, so she was basically just making her procedure up as she went along. Of course, that's what everyone in this stupid trial seemed to be doing, so maybe she'd be okay. Harry and co. sat in the audience, watching anxiously, while the MSEA sat at the defendant's table. October was still crying a bit from having been cross-examined, Brandon rubbing her back.

"Marissa, did you burn down the MSEA headquarters?"

"Do I have to answer that?" Missy asked the Honorable Judge Tara, who was currently playing Angry Birds on her cell phone.

"Answer what?"

Missy sighed. "Never mind."

"So," Hermione said, "did you?"

Missy licked her lips. "…I did."

"I understand that you explained your reasoning to one of my clients."

"Yes."

"Since you gave such a _wonderful_ performance for October, would you mind explaining your actions to us?"

"I would be delighted." Missy cleared her throat. "When I first joined the MSEA, I had dreams of a world where fangirls and casual fans could live at peace with each other. The way to achieve this is to establish a friendly relationship between the two groups. If the good writers helped the bad writers out a bit, offered friendly but still constructive criticism, we could eliminate Mary Sues—"

"Hey!"

"Sorry," Missy said, not sounding sorry in the slightest. "Anyway, we could make the internet a better place to fangirl if we encouraged authors to fix their Sues instead of just destroying them."

Hermione was silent for a minute. She hadn't been expecting such a young teenager to have such a good argument. Finally she coughed and said, "Well, be that as it may, that doesn't excuse the lives your little stunt cost."

"What about all the Mary Sues the MSEA has killed?"

"That's not much different from killing a rat," Hermione said, wondering whether or not it was really true.

"Is there really much difference between a human and a rat?"

"I didn't call you to the stand for you to get all philosophical. I called you up here to ask you a few questions."

"And yet, you don't seem to be asking them."

Flustered, Hermione coughed again and said, "What is this organization called?"

Missy smirked. "The Alliance of Anarchy. I would've told you that without being under oath."

"Who is your leader?"

Missy remained quiet.

"Marissa, you're under oath."

"Oath taken on a Harry Potter book."

"Still counts."

She sighed. "Look, I don't know that much about her. She was just spying on the MSEA for a while and got the sense I could be of help to her. So she contacted me about passing along information and… that's all I know."

"Do you know _anything_ else? Anything at all?"

"No."

"A _name_?"

"No!" Missy snapped. "I just… I don't even know what she looks like. I've never seen her face. As far as I know, no one in the Alliance ever has. No one knows her real name. Not even our best researches and hackers can find anything about her on the internet—and believe me, we've tried."

"Where is she now?"

"I'm sorry; I don't see what this has to do with the charges!"

Fortunately for Hermione, Tara was too engrossed in Angry Birds to notice or care.

"Where is she?" Hermione pressed.

"Oath or no oath, I'm not telling you. I may be an arsonist, but I am no kind of traitor."

There was a very long pause. Gigi was the first to speak.

"…_Tell me_ she didn't just say that."

Charlie spoke up. "I have something she may want." She held up a pink cell phone.

"How'd you get that?!" Missy yelped, suddenly realizing the phone was no longer in her pocket. In fact, it was now in Charlie's hand.

Charlie shrugged, pressing a few buttons. "Years of practice." She snickered. "Do you always have Homestuck porn on here?"

"That's password protected!"

"Yeah, protected by 'Eridan,'" Gigi said, rolling her eyes. "Not exactly rocket science."

"Oooh, what does this little button marked 'send' do?" Charlie smirked. "Oh, look, a little contact called 'Mom.'"

"_Don't_!"

"Answer the lady's questions or the porn gets sent."

Missy closed her eyes, weighing her options. Finally, she decided to answer the question. "Sh-she's in her office upstairs. She's watching the trial from those cameras, actually," she said, gesturing towards the cameras in every corner of the courtroom. "She can see and hear everything we're saying."

Charlie extended her middle finger towards one of the cameras.

"In fact…" Missy looked directly into one of the cameras. "Code Nine."

There was a whistle, and smoke began to fill the room. Hermione coughed, trying to see as Missy, the Sues, Jenny, and Tara all cleared out. By the time the smoke had cleared, only Harry and co. and the MSEA remained.

"Why do they even _have_ that code?" Ron asked.

* * *

><p>After a few minutes, they managed to break the handcuffs (they <em>were<em> from the store down the road, after all) and went about with looking for their wands and weapons. They were all quite paranoid and jumpy, worried about being recaptured, but they eventually found a small room where confiscated items were being kept. After Charlie roundhouse kicked the guard in the head, knocking him out, and Aphrodite picked the lock, they went inside to retrieve their items.

"Thank Merlin," Draco sighed, relieved to have his wand back again.

"So… what should we do now?" Harry asked. "Go back to the HQ?"

October thought it over. "As long as we're here… why don't we finish the job we started?"

"You mean…?"

"Sapphire's up there."

Charlie loaded up her transporter pack. "Let's go kill that bitch!"

"Language!"

"We were just put on trial by one of our former interns, with a jury made up of Mary Sues, and the very Sue we went to all this trouble to exterminate is still out there, and you're _correcting my language_?"

"…Good point."

* * *

><p>Sapphire sat in the bedroom the Alliance of Anarchy had issued her, combing her long golden hair, singing to herself. She had a most wonderful day being part of the jury, and now it was time for her beauty sleep. But the MSEA had other ideas.<p>

The door burst open, and the Harry Potter characters jumped on Sapphire, pinning her arms behind her back.

"You teleport, we go with you," Ginny warned her. "So don't even think about it."

"What do you want?!" Sapphire asked.

October raised her transporter and pointed it at the Sue. It was set to a universe that didn't exist—Sapphire would be sent to the Nothingness. All October had to do was pull the trigger. Just a quick pull and then they could go home.

So why hadn't she done it yet?

"Come on, Maynard!" Draco urged. "Do it!"

"I—I don't think I can!" she stuttered.

"Coward! Ten points from Gryffindor!"

"Ch-Charlie?"

Charlie nodded. "I'll take one for the team. One…" She raised her transporter. "Two…" She put her finger in place. "Three!"

The Harry Potter characters ducked and Sapphire was hit the red beam. With a shriek and a pop she was gone.

"Well… that was… anticlimactic," Draco observed.

Aphrodite smacked him upside the head.

* * *

><p>"I assume you five are ready to go home," October said, readying her transporter and setting it to the appropriate universe. They had made it back to the MSEA HQ, and plans were being made to find out more about Missy, the Alliance, and their employer.<p>

"God, yes," Harry admitted. "It was fun an' all, but… Jesus Christ."

"It'll take me about a year to recover from this one," Hermione agreed.

"We made you these." Brandon handed them all laminated badges with their names and pictures on them. "Congratulations. You're now official members of the MSEA."

Luna smiled, tearing up a bit. "But what now? Will we ever see you again?"

"Oh, hell yes. Here's a spell Aphrodite created," Charlie said, handing Hermione a piece of paper. "If you ever need us, or just want to hang, wave your wand and say it, and we'll be in touch."

"Fanfemmia?" Hermione read aloud.

"It's an original!" Aphrodite chirped.

"Ready?" October asked hesitantly. As reluctant as she had been to having the Potter characters along, she was sort of sad to see them go.

They all glanced at each other. "As ready as we'll ever be," Harry said.

"Brace yourselves."

She pulled the trigger, and they were enclosed by the white light, slowly fading out and back into their own world.

"Hey," Brandon said, "it's been an honor." He saluted them.

The Potter characters saluted them back, and with that, they were gone.

"Well," October said, after a minute or so of silence, "that's it. That's one adventure over. Sapphire's dead."

"Yeah," Aphrodite said softly. "…So why aren't I happy?"

No one had an answer.

**THE END**

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><p><em><strong>The MSEA Reloaded<strong>_** will be coming soon-ish, but first, I'm doing an actual, genuine fic, with no satire whatsoever. I know. Crazy, right? I hope you check it out, but until then, over and out.**

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	18. Super Special Announcement

**Greetings, reader.**

If you're reading this… you're awesome! And if you're reading this, you're probably wondering, "Why is Cookie VanDeKamp updating this story after she declared it finished?" You may also be wondering, "When is _The MSEA Reloaded_ going to be put online?"

Well, fear not, loyal(ish) fan(ish).

I have since realized that the MSEA Files have taken on a mind of their own. They are no longer a fanfic, but an original story with a shitload of pop culture references. So instead of putting them on fanfiction dot net, I've created a Tumblr for them. For the five of you that don't have a Tumblr, fear not, for its free to make an account, but beware: Tumblr is one of the most addictive things you'll ever come across. Not only will I post new chapters, but I will also be posting random word vomits, headcanons, and other random shit you probably never wanted to know about.

So please, go and follow the MSEA Tumblr (linked on my profile) and read on! You can send reviews as always, simply by clicking "submit" and submitting a text post.

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


	19. Super Special Announcement 2

Hey, you! Yes, you! Why are you still here? This is just a second update (sorry for the spam!) about the new story. I decided to file _The MSEA Reloaded_ under "Miscellaneous", so you don't have to have a Tumblr to read it! Mosey on over to my profile if you'd like to read the newest entry in the MSEA Files, and if you have a Tumblr, follow the blog anyway! I'm posting everything you never wanted to know about the MSEA!

**~ Cookie VanDeKamp ~**


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